Why Can’t I remember?

One of the most frustrating aspects of trauma is the fractured sense of memory that comes along with it.  You might be missing large chunks of time.  Or maybe you remember what happened, but your memories don’t match other people’s memories of the same event. Trying to reconstruct what happened can feel like putting together a puzzle when some of the pieces are missing.  You never see the full picture, which can leave you feeling out of control and powerless.  

So why does trauma interfere with memory?  It has to do with the way the parts of the brain interact when we experience trauma.  When the brain perceives a threat, the amygdala activates the sympathetic nervous system (your “fight, flight, or freeze” response).  Adrenalin and cortisol are released into your body.  Your heart rate increases, your bronchial passages dilate, and your blood sugar increases.  Resources are diverted away from higher-level brain activities like: rational thought, emotional regulation, and the memory center of the brain—the hippocampus.  

 The hippocampus is the area of the brain that stores the memories you can consciously access.  It also controls our sense of time.  When we encounter intense stress or trauma, the hippocampus becomes underactive and can even shrink.  This is because the amygdala has sensed a threat and switched off body systems that are not essential to survival—like sorting and storing memories.   As a result, trauma experiences can be distorted or not even stored at all. This makes it difficult—or even impossible—to recall certain traumatic events. 

FLASHBACKS 

This is also why things that seem unrelated to your trauma can act as triggers.  If the hippocampus isn’t working correctly, it might label harmless situations as dangerous. Then, when the amygdala asks if a situation has been threatening before, the hippocampus may respond with: “Danger! It’s not safe here!”  This leaves you feeling afraid or triggered even when you’re completely safe.  

 A malfunctioning hippocampus is also the reason you might experience memories as happening in the present.  We often refer to this as a “flashback”.  Remember, the hippocampus controls our sense of time.  It puts a “time stamp” on our memories so that we know when something happened.  But during trauma the hippocampus shrinks or becomes underactive and might neglect to add that “time stamp” to our memories.  When you encounter something in the present that is similar to something you experienced during trauma, your brain is unable to distinguish between memory and present experience.  You feel like you are reliving the past in the present.    

NEXT STEPS

If you are struggling with flashbacks or memory issues due to trauma, the most important thing you can do is find a counselor who specializes in the treatment of trauma.  Just as you would see a cardiologist for heart problems instead of a general physician, you should look for a counselor who concentrates on treating trauma.  This means that they have gone beyond the foundational education that all licensed counselors receive and have sought out additional training that is specific to treating trauma.  Counseling is not “one size fits all”.  You need a plan that is designed to treat your specific needs, and that means working with a specialist instead of a generalist.  

 Second, realize that what your brain is doing is completely normal for someone who has experienced trauma. Your brain’s most important function is to keep you alive, and that’s exactly what it did. You are not “crazy” or “weak”.  You are dealing with symptoms of trauma.  Your brain reacts to trauma by changing—becoming disorganized, if you will.  What you’re feeling now are the side effects of that disorganization and your brain’s efforts to re-order itself.  Your brain is behaving exactly as it should.  

 Finally, seek out information about trauma.  Knowledge can help you understand what you’re experiencing.  It reduces the mystery and fear that can accompany mental health issues and increases your sense of control.