Why don’t I like myself: The Connection Between Trauma and Shame
Something most of my clients share is that they don’t like themselves very much. Most of the time, it’s easy for my clients to express empathy and kindness toward their family, friends, and even random strangers, but when I ask them to extend that same empathy and kindness to themselves, they struggle. I’m focusing on the relationship between trauma and shame in this post, but much of what I’m writing also applies to people who see me for anxiety, depression, stress, difficult relationships, and more. In fact, sometimes I think we’re facing an epidemic of self-loathing. But there’s an especially close connection between trauma and shame and it’s not hard to see why.
WHAT IS SHAME?
Before we can understand why shame is so damaging, we need to understand what it is. We often confuse shame and guilt, but they’re actually very different. Guilt is believing something we’ve done is wrong. Most of the time, guilt is focused on one action. Whereas, shame isn’t focused on a single behavior or action. Shame encompasses our entire being and says that at our core, we are wrong. It’s believing that there is something fundamentally flawed in our person—that we are less than, or unworthy. And when we believe this, we start to believe that we deserve whatever bad things we experience. It becomes our fault that we were beaten or raped. Our fault that parents neglected us, that we developed a medical condition, or that we were bullied in school. We internalize the belief that we are wrong so of course, these things happened to us.
With guilt, we can apologize and make amends for our actions. After doing so, we often feel better. But we can’t apologize away shame. We can’t “make things right” if we are the problem.
THE CONNECTION BETWEEN TRAUMA AND SHAME
Trauma shatters our sense of self. It disrupts the core beliefs we have about ourselves. This can lead to a distorted self-image, which leaves us feeling worthless and inadequate. In addition, trauma often involves a loss of control where we feel helpless and vulnerable. We often internalize those feelings and blame ourselves for situations we couldn’t prevent or stop. In addition, certain traumatic events have stigmas attached to them. Sexual assault, domestic violence, and even growing up in poverty can leave us with a fear of judgement which often leads us to self-isolate which only increases our feelings of shame.
Sometimes, especially in complex trauma, we internalize the perspective of the perpetrator. We can start viewing ourselves as worthless or only good to be used by other people for their own pleasure. When trauma continues over years or decades, we can lose hope of ever feeling any other way. In the case of a child who’s grown up in a traumatic situation, they might not have ever known any other way of thinking. Life has been one bad thing after another — often perpetrated by people who are supposed to love them and keep them safe. How else are they supposed to view themselves if they’ve never experienced love and safety in the presence of a caregiver? Or if they’ve been bullied every single day by their peers at school? Or if their basic needs of food, shelter, safety, adequate clothing and medical care have never been met?
Is there any wonder then, that someone who has not experienced empathy and kindness, and believes they aren’t even worthy of such expressions of love, would have trouble believing they needed to care for themselves with kindness?
SELF-COMPASSION: HOW TO START?
First, recognize that it will take time. When we’ve spent years believing one thing, changing our beliefs is not like flipping on a light switch. It takes time to retrain our brain. So extend patience to yourself. You will get there. I’ve seen it happen.
Second, practice mindfulness. Shame often directs our mind to focus on the past. We want to pull our mind from the past to the present and that’s where mindfulness can help. Mindfulness fosters self-awareness and acceptance. It can help us detach from the past and focus on future growth. (I’ll do a blog post on mindfulness in the future.)
Third, work to create social support. Surrounding ourselves with supportive people helps to counteract traumatic experiences we might have experienced at the hands of others. In addition, sharing our story helps us connect with others who have similar experiences which counteracts the sense of isolation that often accompanies trauma and shame.
And finally, seek professional help. Contact a therapist or counselor who specializes in trauma recovery. A trauma specialist can help reframe negative thoughts and beliefs. They can offer tools such as Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT), Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), or Internal Family Systems (IFS - sometimes called Parts Work) to help process trauma. A counselor who specializes in trauma informed treatment can help you lose that sense of shame and improve your sense of self-worth.
